I listened to Down Bad and had the phrase ‘Teenage petulant’ in mind..
You tell me like a statement
Like, for my soul, you need an eraser
This trauma soup
runs dry
and drowns me
But, we convince me I’ve been duped
Voices slamming into me like hurricanes
Only, of your truth
I was so dramatic in my head then
Never voiced
At least then, I had youth
as an excuse
To silence me
To take your layered lies
and make them truth
The melodrama and pain
never erupted then
Not truly
Frustration, whenever I’d do anything
Or date someone
I don’t think I was to blame
You took the rage
and made it chunky soup
Too heavy on my gullet
I choke on pieces
of ifs and buts
I hope and long, for you
Your words
Your voices
All of the yous
And the ‘she’s weird’
All of the bitchy drama
Convince me that boxes were ticked
I was deserving
and I was so loyal for you
But, why can’t you speak
of the poison
(I knew, half the time)
that went in at the roots
Neurodivergent, unknown, never validated
Only partial ingredients of the soup
But infiltrated, deeply
Fighting demons
that laid me down
Stifling the golden retriever
as she jumped
On top of you
Taken from the start
and you hit rewind and play
Nothing you couldn’t impart
But, I didn’t believe it
I can’t absorb goodness
But, full of exploding green
excitement
Nervous energy
Overthinking
Overeating, offering myself too freely
Can’t puke.
Unsettled and uneasy
I’m sorry for fixating here
You did nothing wrong
Pain stuck. Need to voice it.
Lets feel shame
Turn this - make it about you
Of course, as always
Sorry. Rant over
I dream you look at the bile
My ‘drivel’
and want to fix it
Point at it
Make that the problem
Or be repulsed, at my ugliness
None of what lives inside, is you
It sits on my chest like a truck
It suffocates in the back of my throat
Needs to be eradicated from my always
It will sit there
But will hurt less
Lets get going. Lets start this.
I need to see proof
Nothing like overthinking. Not feeling
My techniques
My inner knowing
I share, all over conformity and the rules
This is what matters
Speaking it. Voicing it
A vat, never emptied
But never held
And defined as truth
Enabling a happier life
A more content space
Knowing what really matters
But ignoring it
And hating myself
Where did the origami start?
Making me what I thought would,
only-half, please you
Turning my truths into paper animals
But the sadness was never the truth
Eeyore in Tigger’s body
Stripes that made me less repulsively inaccessible
Had no idea how to live the moments
outwardly
Of depth and sorrow
Of love, but hope
The levels of
deeper
and blue
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