Feel transparent
My soul can be lifted out
for mocking
With those ritualistically mimicking
Not caring what they lift
Don’t take it away-
The pain
They only want a
veneer of okayness
We all struggle
I’m human and there is
no apology
There is no blame
I start to show the real, honest, me
The awkward shuffle
Less misunderstood
Or caring less whether I’m read
and from seeing me,
what you took
Anxious and uncoordinated
I’m either over-friendly
Or I give these funny looks
Not important enough to be
read
You see
Yet made fun of
For the shifty, fearful eyes
Afraid of being ‘seen’
A stare feeling deeply intrusive
Constantly hyper vigilant
Living in my world
In my dream
So, catching too many eyes
Self-conscious alone in public spaces
if walking about
My universe is so calming
but how do I look when
I, half-alive, walk into roads
distracted
In my floating about
Floating and gloating
For some reason, women can never say
‘I’m great
and this is me’
Walking without looking at my phone
is difficult
Where do you look?
It’s hard to be viewed there
What makes me more significant
They’re looking at the trees
I’m just a tiny, valuable cog
But the discomfort of being perceived
Happier sitting down
Can start to relax
Need a peaceful corner
On days I feel my presence
adds indifferently
Rather than compulsively subtracts
I move into quiet contentment
and my heart gets a couple of
hours reprieve
My anxious brain wants to
apologise for my presence
But my heart knows we had that
talk earlier
I re-remembered that I’m worthy
My body and soul are going to
translate that in my very existence
We made a pact
I’m worthy without doing, or saying,
anything
Fact.
I have more days of writing
The days re-populating or habit-forming,
free
Your loss when you pass
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