I don’t know how to feel my feelings But do feel less than nothing, less than worthless Can’t connect words with the pain of the trauma Not a good therapy patient,
Crying and letting it out would be perfect I say things that would be hard for others With no emotion whatsoever Laugh, smile, deny, shrug off Will my numbness frighten me forever? I’m scared I feel nothing Yet that nothingness freaks me out It makes me realise the enormity of my trauma Lurching, fearful, yet can’t voice what my fears are about Can’t articulate, no idea what I feel That’s not normal really is it She looks at me with sympathetic eyes and says that feels sad But I insist that it’s not, although deep down I know my response is mad I feel the enormity for a split second Have no idea how to cry, to mourn, to connect and make myself whole I don t know how to express the pain I can’t put into words And it’s something only I can control When I say I don t know what that s like, I mean it Have no clue what it’s like when someone cares Validates your feelings and desperately wants you to share Because I was a joke I was defective; the broken, faulty, despicable one My feelings and my soul didn’t matter No wonder I believed them and wanted to run
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