Unworthy
(This is an older poem)
Why do I want to eat my feelings?
And feel less than nothing, less than worthless
I don’t know if I’m alive or dead
And what’s scarier, it doesn’t make me that nervous
Sometimes I think I don’t care
Sometimes I wish the tears would come
I don’t wanna be trapped like this forever
This unsettling, silenced fear in my tum
When I feel like crying, I sometimes laugh
Gulp down that moment of honesty
Shut it down before it starts
Because if I start crying I’ll never stop
And I don’t have the time or energy to fall apart
So, like me it’s shut down, it’s invisible,
Who would even notice for a start?
I’m on my own
It’s too deep and affects who I am at my core
But seeing them is like sitting on an electric fence
And hoping it won’t shock you anymore
Periods trigger, I’m here for other people’s benefit
An inherent sense that I’m just wrong,
Thoughts scattered and confusion
Nothing can be done
There is a reason of course
A reason for my self – doubt
Not knowing who I am anymore
High alert and danger is what life’s about
I see familiarity in faces
And think people must notice how weird I am
Creative thoughts leave me in a split second
For the brain frying electric fence (and those not giving a damn)
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