May 6, 20203 min read

Blog: Lies Survivorship Tells Us...

Updated: Jul 6

What trauma can tell us

(hoping to raise awareness on what the long term implications can be)

LIES OUR SURVIVORSHIP TELLS US INCLUDE:

- Me writing a blog would make me very self – centred and arrogant. If anyone else vlogs or writes a blog fantastic. If I do it I’m assuming people are interested. Why would they be?

- I know that it’s important that everyone does what’s right for them in terms of speaking out. I am, naturally, the exception and give myself a hard time when I’m not.

- Rom coms make me feel sad and teary, but in an empty ‘no one could ever love me’ sort of a

way

- You can’t do it (about most things!)

- Sometimes I want to make jokes. Sometimes I don’t.

Sometimes I want to talk about it. Sometimes I don’t.

This is bad.

(This is not bad. This is perfectly natural and human)

- I relate to pain and have an affinity with people who have felt it – this is weird and wrong.

It’s not weird or wrong. Actually, I can relate to sensitive, feeling, creative people who have both struggled and overcome and continue to struggle.

- I’m at a standstill. Am stuck and not moving forward.

The darkness and dissonance may feel all consuming and like I’m deep within it, but I have taken steps forward in the last few years.

- I wish I was beautiful and my body is disgusting.

The truth… It’s not so much about physical appearance, but it’s about not loving, cherishing and caring for myself. Less ‘I don’t like my …… (list body part) ‘ and more

‘I wish I was happier and that shone through in my face, expressions, demeanour and the way I carry myself. I wish I took pride in my health, all and not some of the time and took care of myself, emotionally and in every way. I wish my self - talk was always kinder’.

- Any other person’s problems are more important than mine.

(You can’t help anyone without looking after yourself first)

- I have to pretend I’m A – OK with people. Then just turn the conversation round quickly to ask how they are.

- It’s better if I just ‘don’t take up space’. ‘People don’t want to talk to me’.

I didn’t realise how isolated I was (even pre – lockdown) until I was ‘forced’ in the supermarket to not go to the self – service till, as I always do. The cashier said ‘this way love’ and my heart sank.

- ‘I’m not really that anxious’ is another lie. It’s been there so long, it feels like just a part of me.

- ‘I live a pretty regular life. My life is not too overwhelmed by my mental health’.

Denial is part of my body’s defences. I pretend that my all my relationships are not impacted by my past – they are.

I suppose, what I’d love to write (and truly mean) is that my experiences are part of me and I want people to love me for me. When times are tough and when things are more sunshiney!