Sep 304 min read

If you are new to this site

Updated: Oct 6

poetry, trauma, ADHD

If you are new to this site,

the best thing would be to go back towards the beginning, date - wise

The post, February Me

explains many of my 2024 posts

and is a good place to start!

blog posts and poetry over a month

...

My name's Tara (she/her) and I have an Instagram @taratalksthoughts.

I'm known as Tara star for writing and poetry.

Being diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, at the age of 40, I have a lifetime's masking I am trying to (slowly) unlearn. This process hurts and, often, I desperately wish I had been diagnosed earlier (can't change the past, but it would have been positive for my self esteem).

Society is built around neurotypical brains and I have spent forever feeling misunderstood and not seen, for many reasons. (Whether I understood why, defined it as such, or not).

Often, what are referred to as ADHD 'symptoms*', are things that people in society might notice about a neurodivergent person (everyone is different) and things people might find 'difficult' to understand in others

(I don't view the world that way, but using that language, to explain).

What is going on internally is important and there is so much more there than what someone might see.

It's impact on self esteem. Feeling you are 'lazy' or 'useless'.

I believed all that stuff.

The negative messages are saturated in, and run through, so much of our education system, within society overall and, in the case of ADHD, experiences have been listed based around a male experience. Women 'present' differently.

None of this is good.

People often ask 'how I noticed'

There are so many things I write about.

Not in order of importance, a few examples..

My volume control was always commented on.

My brain is and was, busy. That is an understatement. 'Busy' does not capture anything, and I have attempted to write my inner-dialogue down, whilst feeling distracted, to demonstrate this

(posting examples of this in the blog)

Always exhausted (as above, two words don't feel like an adequate example)

I can, also, be sensitive to sound.

People standing close to me. Breathing down my neck.

I fidget.

Stim.

I can find it hard to concentrate or focus on many tasks. Am easily distracted when it comes to things like reading.

I like peaceful spaces and sitting with my legs crossed, yoga - pose style (I don’t do yoga)

Transitioning between tasks can feel so difficult.

I have had decades of masking (there is so much to explore) and it becoming ingrained. And feeling painful, but I made it 'me'.

Unmasking is slow. And hurts.

Life with less, ouch.

And more ouch, as you realise how you were living before

and how much you've struggled.

Sometimes I feel I am physically sitting on my hands, so as not to interrupt someone. I am interested in what they are saying, but am excited to connect.

I've thought of something that relates to this and if I don't say it now, I WILL forget it. In fact, I forget it, before I even get to the end of the sentence in my brain

I tell myself 'focus, don't interrupt, you are interested and it will look like you are not. It will look rude'

(This is a very masked, so-far, mini list of many,

and the things I deny. Or society made me feel I had to)

I have an inner dialogue. Not everyone does, I'm told (not just an ADHD thing)

I view the world in quite an abstract and unique way, which I love

Ideas come too thick and fast. They can be really distracting. And overwhelming.

It's intense, and you can't focus on anything.

ADHD paralysis is exhausting. On the surface you can look lazy. You are not.

You are expending so much emotional energy. Often on self - hatred.

It is beyond tiring and you feel such shame

How much eye contact 'should' you give?

Feeling 'surrounded' is so hard - close contact, no space

I love hard.

I care and can be empathic

(not just an ADHD thing)

People feel they can tell you what your ADHD is, when they haven't experienced it.

Some people hate the use of the word, 'Superpower'. I often do.

The only person who has the right to say that their ADHD can be a superpower, as well as emotionally and physically taxing, having a HUGE impact on everyday life, is that person.

People who are not neurodivergent shouldn't say this to someone.

You shouldn't use language regarding someone's neurodivergence when you are not sure which terms that person likes and prefers anyway.

So, if a person tells you they are / have ADHD, NO, it is not 'fashionable'

NO, everyone is not 'a little' ADHD

NO, 'everyone' does not have it now

and NO, it is NOT a superpower

Do not make me feel like an inconvenience.

A problem to be solved.

You shouldn't want to 'solve' me.

I certainly don't.

You should want to support and accommodate my needs.

Not wants.

And don't ask if the person is taking medication and if they say yes, have an 'air' of 'well that's OK. Sorted then. Lets not discuss it again.'

Medication does not 'fix' and 'fixing' implies there is something 'wrong.'

There is not!

My neurodivergent brain, ADHD brain, works differently to many other peoples. This can hurt me and I can find this difficult, not least because society, the way people live their lives, isn't built for me.

Xxx