Hi, end of August me!
Six months ago, on 28th February, I decided that I would blog / write everyday in the month of March and post six months later (in September) when I have more distance.
These posts would be (will be) scheduled in advance. I will try to be kind to myself if I do not write everyday
That’s me for now,
Tara xx
@tarastarpoetry on Instagram
I’m Tara and I live in the UK. I was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 40 (which wasn’t a surprise, at all, by the time it happened) and I write a little about my ADHD on my medium page - tarastarpoetry.medium.com
People assumed that I was allergic to certain food colourings and additives as a child and that they made me hyperactive - and feisty. That would have been the perception. As a teenager I was probably viewed as a talkative pain in the ass at school, but I made jokes, managed to get away with things and did OK grades-wise.
I always felt different and, often, misunderstood as a child.
There were times I really struggled. Staying up late at night, feeling like a zombie, but I also ‘didn’t need much sleep’ and would get up and go downstairs and entertain myself as a young child, early in the morning.
I love writing poetry and have found it therapeutic. A way of touching on emotions and feelings I can’t otherwise express. Also, poetry gives me distance from them and that may be an issue I will need to deal with!
I had written the odd poem here and there before the pandemic (in the three years before, maybe) but by 2021 I had really ramped it up.
So much of my life is foggy, but I know I had always loved writing. I hadn’t been real, raw and vulnerable though. When I was younger I had talked about being a writer or researcher, maybe writing scripts or something similar, but I don’t think I ever really thought about what that meant or pursued it. It was words I said. Ironically, perhaps, with not much meaning!
I also loved the idea, at one point, of being a children’s television presenter as I had an ‘enthusiastic’, bubbly sort-of personality and was quite playful. I’d never have had the confidence to do something like that though. Having the ‘one day, my life will miraculously change’ feeling, with only hope, was me all over.
One day I will feel happy. One day I will love myself. One day it will all be alright.
One day I will be able to do the things I want to do - will connect, click in.
In terms of career, I had another big plan anyway. I wanted a different media career and had known what I wanted to do since the age of 8, 9, 10.
As a young person, I felt desperately insecure and was afraid, so wanted ‘options’ and ‘muchness’. I always had a fear of anything I cared about being taken away.
I was driven in terms of passion, but actually dedicating myself to the only thing I wanted to do (openly said ‘there is no back - up’, although I did, occasionally, listen to ‘concerned’ noise around me) was a 'One day'.
Really, truly.. I couldn't do anything but go through the motions.
Spreading myself too thin, I didnt do the work and was, how do I put this? .. a mess in many ways (also, hard on myself, as you can tell).
I may not have appeared that way. Struggling with imposter syndrome, feeling ashamed and embarrassed about who I was and mistakes I would make.
Some thought I was really confident.
This shocked me.
I have a lifetime of masking, though. Unmasking will continue for the rest of my life, as there are so many layers. You don't know what is you.
Being horrible, internally, to myself was so well rehearsed though. As was not looking after my body, or my soul, properly.
I went from A to B, but wasn’t connected or present for so much of my twenties.
But, having options - Too many pairs of jeans, working more than one job (but not flourishing in any of them), posting a picture of me in a nice top or dress in the hope that it could ‘make better’ the pain I only knew I was dealing with half the time.
Spoiler: it never did.
Badly managing money, feeling like a failure, not participating in social events. It all felt empty, but one day
One day…
I dream
..
I find getting into a regular writing practice (in terms of more of a routine) difficult. Write poetry regularly, but at random times and ‘when I feel like it’.
I also have so many ‘older’ poems I never edited and worked on. Just posted them immediately.
There is so much I hope to write about and, fingers crossed (it’s that, one day, again!) raise awareness of.
Am hoping to get ADHD coaching in the future, but am also going to try and implement structure, that feels less like structure (somehow!) in different ways, when it comes to my ADHD.
We'll see how that pans out.
There being no government support, it feels like in terms of coaching, for ADHD, is hard.
'You have ADHD' - now, see ya!
(I was diagnosed privately and realise I was privileged to do this. Couldn't really afford it, but it felt so essential by that stage.
I'd been on the NHS waiting list for quite a while and I wasn't coping. Felt I had to do something)
*Self-diagnosis is valid. I am not a medical professional. Everyone's experiences are different
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